In this article, you’ll learn how to make emotionally unavailable fathers contribute to parenting. You’ll get to know:

  1. Signs that you are unable to absorb the role of a father
  2. Fixing the Problem- Efforts by Father
  3. Fixing the Problem- Efforts by Mother

All the new papas in the world, I bet you had butterflies in your stomach when you held this little bundle of joy in your hands for the first time.

Seeing his tiny nose, puffy eyes, red cheeks, petite fingers, and teeny-weeny feet. Looks like a breathing toy at first. But it’s real.

You are a papa now and with the incoming of this new member in your family, things are going to change forever.

  • The dynamics of every relationship you have.
  • The expectations of you.
  • Expectations from yourself.
  • Your way of looking at the world.
  • Sense of responsibility towards your family – Everything changes.

1) Signs that You are Unable to Absorb the Role of a Father

The problem begins if things don’t change, if you are unable to change after having a baby, and if you do not accept this change. Look out for some signs if you are facing this problem.

External Signs to Make him Contribute to Parenting!

  • Ab tum papa ban gye ho..kuch zimme-daari to lo (You are a father now, show some responsibility).
  • Bachon Jaise Harkat Mat Karo, tum ab papa ban gye ho (You better grow up now, you are a father now).
  • Samajhdaar Bano beta.. ab tum Ek Bache ek papa ho (Show some sensibility, you are a father now).

Internal Signs to Make him Contribute to Parenting!

  • The presence or the acts of your baby are stressing you a lot.
  • You try to escape the family time and spend idle time in the office or with friends just to avoid baby issues at home.
  • You do not enjoy the fun -activities of your child and scold them on every small thing.

If you are hearing these or similar words from your family or are behaving in an aforesaid manner, you are suffering from the Adjustment syndrome of being unable to absorb the role of a father.

(Don’t worry its not a medical disease, it’s just a phase of life and will go away with minor adjustments)

2) Fixing The Problem – Efforts By Father

Willingness to Fix It!

The first and foremost step to fixing this problem is accepting that you are unable to adjust to fatherhood. Embrace it that you are unable to change and resolve to fix it (contribute to parenting).

There is no shame in accepting it. You cannot be an expert in every relationship in life. What matters is that you make an effort to stay close as a family.

Discuss with your Wife/Life Partner!

Once you are determined to become a more contributing and participating father, discuss it with your partner.

She will the most elated person to know this and will guide you through it because she will love to share the journey of parenthood with you.

Talk about the broad contours of the problem and what challenges you face, tell her your emotional state, and what bothers you. This will also help you to manage your married life after the baby.

After you both have discussed, it’s your collective effort now.

3) Fixing The Problem – Efforts By Mother

Once you both are ready to co-parent, figure out concrete ways, and make your husband contribute to parenting. The initial steps need to be taken by the mother. Here are a few tips:

Tip 1: If He’s Not Natural at It, Teach Him!

Not all men are a pro at showering love and handling baby whining and crying. It is Ok. Why don’t you help him and help yourselves out in-turn?

Teach him:

  • How to Rock and Soothe your Child.
  • The Baby Signs for What Baby Need.
  • Teach him to Prepare those mini-meals. Baby Meals are not very tough.

Role of Father:  While the mother is teaching and sharing her responsibilities with you, it’s imperative that you own them up, put your heart into it and make the best efforts to take care of your baby so much so that the wife is relaxed to give the baby in your hands. Even if you are not a natural pro at being a dad, make sincere efforts to share the responsibility.

Tip 2: Start Small when Contribute to Parenting!

Assign simple and small tasks in the beginning. If you give him a complex string of works, he will get confused, nervous, and might even forget.

Think of him as a beginner and act accordingly.

Some simple tasks may be:

  • Burping the Baby
  • Narrating a Story at Night-Time
  • Taking the Baby for a Stroll

Tip 3: Be specific – Nothing is Obvious to Men!

By our biological formation, men find it easier to respond to specific commands. Open-ended “HELP”  is a big scary word for men.

Do not generalize and be specific about that task you want him to do. DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO KNOW WHAT TO DO.

If you want him to feed your baby, tell him to feed but do not expect him to wash the baby’s face after he’s done (thinking it’s obvious). You must tell him to feed and then clean the baby post eating.

If you want your husband to take the child to the terrace or a garden, do not expect him to carry the Sippy cup and ball along. Tell him in detail what you want. The more specific you are, the better equipped he is to complete.

Role of Father: When your wife assigns you to work, be vigilant, and remember in the future what she told you. In this whole ocean of work-to-do, it is not possible for a mother to explain the same things over and over again. Try to think like a mother and you will not need her instructions anymore. Over a period of time, you will get a feel of what she expects and how she does things.

Tip 4: Give Him Space to do Things his Own Way!

Most mothers make the mistake of shutting out their husbands by constant criticism and correction and all the time.

Psychologists call this attitude Maternal Gatekeeping – it refers to a mother’s protective beliefs about how much and whether a father should be involved in their children’s lives. So most fathers feel discouraged by this behavior.

So mommies, please, it’s a sincere request to:

  • Let your Husbands Learn.
  • Let them Experiment and Make Mistakes.
  • Do Not Expect Perfection the First or Second or Even the Third Time.
  • Accept his Suggestions for Parenting. They can be Better than Yours.

Role of Father: You must understand that a woman feels overwhelmed to share this responsibility because she is too much concerned about the child. Do not mind if she criticizes you a bit. Infer it as her love for the children and not criticism towards you.

Tip 5: Include Him and Make him Feel Part of the Family!

Voluntarily or involuntarily, a lot of women, especially working, tend to leave out their husband from decision making and daily tasks. Mothers and children share such a close bond that husbands may feel left out at times.

You must include him in your inner circle. He will feel more confident and willing to help out.

Understand that in the early days, there’s little for him to do. But once your child grows, he’ll be able to get more involved.

Role of Father:  A child and mother share a special bond, but it doesn’t undermine your role and position in their lives. You are vital and will always be indispensable. A child needs a mother and father BOTH but in different proportions in different stages of life. So do not feel left out if there’s not much for you to help. Make your space. try to help in. If nothing, play with the child and talk to him. Babies and toddlers love to talk in their adorable ga gas- goo-goos.

Tip 6: Praise Him!

The husband is already conscious and nervous at doing the baby’s work. A simple line “ Honey, you changed the diaper perfectly today” or “Darling !!  the porridge you made is better than mine”.

These sweet words of praise go a long way in improving confidence as fathers and make them eager to contribute to parenting more. You must let him know when he does well.

It will strengthen the bond between you and him.

Tip 7: Communicate and Share More!

Ignorance is bliss. But in marriage ignorance breeds battles. When the mother feels that her husband is unaware of what she’s going through, it drives her crazy.

Some men can’t empathize unless made to. So share your problems, your concerns, your state of mind, your insecurities after becoming a mother, and see your husband becoming a more understanding husband and contributing father.

Role of Father: After giving birth, a mother loses part of herself, she has insecurities and inhibitions. Lend her an ear. Make her talk and give her the comfort of being emotionally available. She will be calmer and less anxious. Now she needs you more than ever. BE THERE!

Becoming a more participating father is not tough. It just takes a little adjustment of attitude. (Little secret for new fathers: Becoming a good father will automatically bring happiness in your married life after baby. A woman loves a man, even more, when she sees he’s a good father).

With these simple tips, new mothers can make their husbands contribute to parenting. Learn to work together as a team and your lives will become manageable as the years go by.